The Product of Sleep Deprivation
by BSKV
Summary: 2 a.m. combined with a lack of sleep and some tea. Just a short series of ramblings, parodies, and satire about the cliches of Mary-Sue phanfics. I apologize in advance to my faithful readers!


**First, I want to apologize beforehand to my readers. It is 2:00 a.m. and my brain isn't working. This is what it produces. I do hope that this doesn't lose my faithful readers' respect who have been reading my other and serious fanfic.**

**Okay, so this may be stupid, but this is what boredom does to a person. Maybe it's not funny, maybe it is, but I don't mean to offend anyone. If this in any way resembles your story, or a story that you know of, it was pure coincidence.**

**This is a very common Mary-Sue, and if you're wondering what NOT to do with a phanfic, this may help...meant to be comedy, but probably more ranting/sarcastic.**

**(I do not own Phantom of the Opera, and also, I love it to death, so in no way am I expressing my viewpoints. I'm just as phangirl-ish as most girls are for Erik.)**

**Also, if you're looking for a serious phanfic, check out my story "Identity" and leave a comment. **

**Chapter 1: Plain Jane with a Cliche Talent**

The dark-haired girl stood before the looming Opera house, with pink suitcases in hand as she sighed dreamily.

_This is it_, she thought. _Here goes nothin'._

Upon entering, her senses were overwhelmed. Gold, statues, ivory, glass, beads, candles, velvet, roses, chocolates...you get the picture. But what she marveled at the most was the fact that, only three weeks after the chandelier incident and the gigantic fire that had engulfed everything, the opera was as good as new!

Once she had seen the other ladies who were auditioning to be the next lead dancer, she knew that she couldn't compete. Each one of them danced with great skill, and every girl was so pretty! After all, she was plain and boring-looking, with straight, long dark hair, a slender frame but curvacious nonetheless, and piercing blue eyes. But she had more determination than any of them! After all, she hadn't been through some sort of traumatic experience that made her run away, for nothing!

"Next," the dull and uninterested Manager called out. What did he care? He knew nothing of musical talent, let alone dancing. All that he cared about was restoring the place to its former glory. It seemed as though everyone had completely forgotten about the scary Opera Ghost who had wreaked havoc and caused the fire to begin with...besides, he was much braver than those two nincumpoops who had managed it before.

"Hi, my name is Laquisha," she announced happily on stage. Once the music played, Laquisha spun, twirled and flitted about the stage with such grace and beauty, even though she had never practiced in her life (because it was forbidden, wherever she came from). She just decided to 'wing it'. And oh, was the Manager tickled pink! Yes, there was promise in this girl...she would make him a fortune, indeed!

"No!" Madame Giry yelled, slamming her cane on the floor in a temper tantrum. "Blind mice could dance better than that!"

Laquisha frowned and pouted. It seemed as if the old woman hated her for no apparent reason.

"Please, Manager..." Laquisha begged. She couldn't help but to look cute when she pleaded. "I can't go back to my horrible family! They wish to prevent me from following my dreams of becoming the lead role in 'Beauty and the Beast', and I can't put up with the abuse anymore! I deserve to be treated like an adult, so I ran away to prove them wrong!"

"Fine! You can be a janitor!" Madame Giry agreed. She would take delight in watching the girl labor with dirty work all day, and she snickered as she stuck her cinnamon-flavored gum under the seat. She knew that Laquisha would have to clean it up, later.

Laquisha was led down a long hallway to her new room. Madame Giry turned to her abruptly at the door.

"Even though you are not performing on stage and have no talent whatsoever, we are giving you Christine Daae's old room, so that the Opera Ghost can stalk you properly and watch you shave your legs. You've been warned."

Laquisha whimpered at the thought. "I thought he was dead?"

"Yes, so did we."

Without another word, the old lady left Laquisha alone in the hallway.

*Later that night*

Laquisha did not hesitate to scrub the floor that night. After all, how is the reader supposed to pity her if she doesn't do one day's worth of hard work? So, on to the scrubbing...

To pass the time, she began to sing in the softest, most heavenly voice that could ever be heard and thankfully, she didn't wake anyone! She hit every note precisely.

"Someday I'll fly away,

Leave all this to yesterday,

Why live life from dream to dream,

And dread the day when dreaming ends?"

Erik listened above with pure delight. This delicate little creature could sing far better than Christine ever could! And with a little training...yes, he would train her! Even though he had spent most of his life teaching Christine, giving her his heart and soul, only for her to violently rip out his heart, he still hadn't learned his lesson. He was going to take it upon himself to have another student, only this time, he would not develop a twisted obsession for her and kidnap would not be a word in his vocabulary anymore! This was strictly business and he refused to be swayed by her girlish charm!

After she had changed into her pajamas, she saw a note laying on her pillow with a single red rose and a black ribbon (because, why would Erik give up any romantics after Christine had left him heartbroken?).

"Laquisha Tanisha Ashante Belle,

Yes, I know your full name. That is because I know everything about you, even though you just arrived. I know that you have daddy issues and subsequently, low self-esteem and you will be dying for any man's touch if:

-his name is "Erik" a.k.a. "Opera Ghost" a.k.a. "Phantom" a.k.a. "King of Sex-Appeal" (that last one wasn't supposed to be made known to anyone)

-he plots against others

-he's kidnappend and murdered

-he is stalking you right now

-he plays with dolls

Why wouldn't you want such a corrupt, yet complicatingly unstable person in your life? But, that is beside the point.

I have heard you sing, and I make a proposition to you: blink once if you want me to leave you alone, only to save your life in the future so that you are obligated to me, and blink twice if you wish to accept my lessons willingly so that you may become a star...

Go ahead, I am watching."

Laquisha looked around the room but saw nothing.

"Very well, I will take it that you wish to accept my help (you didn't really have a choice, anyway). Look into the mirror, and if you squint your eyes and look close enough, you will see me lurking in the shadows. But, I do it so seductively, don't I?

Don't answer that, because I am afraid of what you really think!

There, you will find what you seek...

O.G.

P.S. You forgot a patch of hair on your legs."

Laquisha had completely forgotten that there was a strange and dangerous man watching her every move and she shrieked with terror as she noticed the spot that she had missed on her right calf.

"Laquisha...come to me..." Erik sang to her. His voice was so intoxicating, so enchanting, so comforting, like a piece of warm pie on a cold day, that she couldn't refuse. At first, she pretended to be scared, but deep down inside, she knew that this fear-inspiring masked man wouldn't hurt her.

"Oh, Erik..." Laquisha gasped ever-so-delicately and fluttered her long eyelashes like butterflies before him.

He didn't mind the use of his personal name. Even Christine hadn't used it, but who needed that doe-eyed dumb twit, anyway? Those days were long gone, in fact, 7 days after she left him he realized that his feelings were only superficial, but he was still confused about it just to add to the drama of the story. No, he didn't want to fall in love again, even though he had watched Laquisha all day, offered to give her lessons, invited her to the mirror to see him, and persuaded her with his voice.

As she was led down the dark and creepy passageway, she ignored her fear of spiders, dark places, and the rats that scurried about. Above the scent of the stinky, swampy lake, the moldy walls, and some sort of dead animal, was the overpowering scent of his leather and masculinity. He reeked of sexiness.

Once they were in his home by the lake, he played a song for her. He paused before he sang, just for dramatic effect.

"What do they make dreams for,

When you got them jeans on,

What do we need steam for,

You the hottest girl in this place,

I feel so lucky,

You wanna hug me,

What rhymes with hug me?"

Laquisha's heart sped faster than a galloping horse at the rodeo! He was by far the handsomest man she had ever seen, even though he wore a mask! She would never be as cruel as Christine to rip his mask away!

He continued seductively,

"I'm gon' take a good girl,

I know you want it!"

Once he finished, she spattered for air, feeling faint at heart and dizzy around her. She placed a delicate, dainty hand on her forehead. "Oh, dear!"

"Don't fall!" he called out softly, catching her before she fainted. She could feel the hard, sculpted muscle beneath the waistcoat, button-down shirt, undershirt, thermals and even the sweater that he wore!

"Let me carry you to this bed to add to the already-existing sexual tension and so that you might get a glimpse of my life-size Christine doll and become jealous, even though I no longer have feelings for her anymore."

She was placed on the luxuriously soft swan bed and she sighed with content. Even when she sneezed and coughed from the dust, she looked so perfect and beautiful!

Before he completely released her, he hovered above her, inches away from her face.

He blinked.

She sniffled.

He coughed.

She croaked.

Oh, it was the most beautiful of silent declarations of love!

"Kiss me!" she commanded in a high-pitched voice.

He turned away. "No! You are mocking me! You haven't seen my face, and even though you will have absolutely no problem at all with my deformity and you won't even flinch, I can't take the risk of disappointment again. Even though I brought you down here in the first place, you are nothing but a temptress!"

Hurt feelings got the best of them, that night, and they gave each other the silent treatment.

The next morning, Erik felt bad for his rude behavior, and he decided to behave like a gentleman, even though he had lived his life as a recluse and didn't know the ways of proper and polite society. He made her waffles. Chocolate-Chip ones (as you know, they had toasters back then, too).

She practically inhaled the food, stuffing her face, but she still looked feminine and attractive while she did it.

"Why aren't you eating?" she asked.

"I starve myself out of self-pity. That, and I don't like strawberries."

"So, why did you bring me down here, then, if you didn't want to share fluffy bites of happiness together?" she stared at him with wide, innocent eyes. They were innocent, but they also had a passion in them that made Erik blush with unclean thoughts.

Erik showed her why he brought her down there by giving her lessons. She executed every song with fluid, angelic grace.

"Have I pleased you? I would do anything to make you happy..."

"Looks like you don't need my help, anymore," Erik moped bitterly. "Now you can return upstairs and I will make the manager see your talent so that you can become 'Belle'...er, wait, why do you like that movie, again?"

"Because love-muffin," she cooed, "Don't you think it's so similar to us? I could never judge a man by his looks, even though I live in a superficial and vain society! 'Beauty and the Beast' could be our love story!"

He rolled his eyes at her. "Whatever you say, love-bug."

Laquisha huffed and placed her hands on her hips. "You still love Christine, don't you? I will never be good enough for you!"

She began to bawl.

"I don't deserve your love!" he sobbed.

The two had a pity-party on the floor in a sobbing mess, unable to comfort one another because each one was too caught up in their own misery. How could Erik wipe her tears away with a Kleenex if he was too busy blowing his nose? That is, until their tear-stained faces were only inches apart and they found each other staring.

He flinched.

She twitched.

He sighed.

She giggled.

"Oh, Erik, you do love me!"

The two engaged in a wet, slobbery kiss. Even though he was very inexperienced in the art of kissing, he was a pro!

"Christine was stupid! She didn't know you like I do!"

Erik ripped off his mask in the heat-of-the-moment, and Laquisha continued to plant a big wet one on his lips. What was all the fuss about his face, anyway? It was barely a shade of pink, nothing that would cause Christine and everyone else in the audience to scream in terror.

"I love you, pooh bear."

"I love you more!"

Epilogue: Christine was never thought of again, and Laquisha gave up her dreams of becoming a talented musician so that she could marry Erik and escape to another location with him. They had quadruplets, and fortunately, not a single one of them inherited his face. Madame Giry lamented the fact that now she had no reason to stick gum in odd places, since Laquisha was no longer around to clean it up. She laughed evilly, anyway.

The End.


End file.
